Communicating with Your Birthmother

Depending on the type(s) of adoption you’re open to, it’s likely you will be communicating with your baby’s birthmother to some extent before, during, and after the baby is born. Relationships between an adoptive family and a potential birthmother can feel awkward at first, but after some time and effort, the relationships often grow to become strong and meaningful for all involved.

A Note About Expectant Mothers

Carrying a baby for nine months and then giving him or her to another family to be raised is an incredibly painful and difficult act. In order for a woman to carry through with a commitment like that, she usually has some very motivating factors. Maybe she has a strong belief that her child should have a two-parent family. Perhaps she is still in school and doesn’t want to interrupt her education or maybe she does not wish to sacrifice her career to raise a child. Maybe she already has children and does not have the financial or emotional resources to raise another. Or maybe she is in a very bad place in her life and feels very strongly that her baby deserves more than she can give. In general, expectant mothers who come to us find it impossible to raise a child due to financial or emotional reasons. Whatever her reasons are for pursuing adoption, it’s likely she will not be as together or stable as you, your family, or your friends. Keep all of this in mind when communicating with your expectant mother — it is very important!

Communication

If you’ve already talked or met with an expectant mother, continue communicating with her throughout her pregnancy. That way you’ll all get to know each other well and form a solid, healthy relationship you can continue to build on after the adoption.

We encourage you to be as open with your expectant mother as you are comfortable with while still respecting her wishes. A good starting point is to determine what level of openness you are all comfortable with before, during, and after the adoption. Consider the following questions throughout the adoption process. Your answers will help guide your communication with your expectant mother.

During Pregnancy

• What forms of communication work best for all involved? Would you like to talk in person, on the phone, via text, via email, or via social media?
• Is the expectant mother comfortable with you joining her when she goes to her doctor’s appointments?
• Would you like her to send you any updates about the growth and progress of the baby? How about ultrasound pictures?

During and After Delivery

• How will the expectant mother notify you when she goes into labor or when the baby is scheduled to be delivered? She may wish to tell you directly, or she might want us or her social worker to tell you for her.
• Is she comfortable with you or any members of your family being in the room with her when she delivers the baby?
• How much time would she like to spend with the baby in the hospital after delivery?

After the Adoption

• How often would the expectant mother like to receive updates from you? What does she expect these updates to include?
• Would she like to have in-person visits? If so, how often?
• Would she like to give you a picture of herself and/or the baby’s biological father, a letter, a video recording, or something else to share with the baby in the future?
• Would she consider providing you with her family’s medical history, and the biological father’s medical history if possible?
• It may be beneficial for you all to consider creating a post-adoption agreement. This could be a formal written agreement or an informal verbal agreement where you outline everything about the adoption you have agreed on. Note that these agreements are not always legally enforceable depending on the laws in your state.

If you iron out these details early on, you’ll all be on the same page throughout the adoption process and avoid any misunderstandings or hard feelings along the way.

While making these decisions, it’s important to set clear boundaries, be specific, show respect, and be guided by what is best for the baby. Also try to be as flexible as possible in order to accommodate any changes that may come up over time.