Sometimes adoptive parents do not get the chance to build a solid relationship with the birthmother, especially if the match was made late in the pregnancy or during labor. With an open adoption, adoptive parents and the birthmother get to meet, but sometimes it can be stressful for both parties, and it is not uncommon for some things to be left unspoken. 

Individual circumstances may vary from person to person, but always keep in mind that the birthmother has her own personal reasons for making the difficult choice to place her baby for adoption. Regardless of whether you meet your baby’s birthmother or not, there are some things she would want you to know:

  1. The birthmother chose adoption ultimately because she loves her child. This means she has put her child’s needs before her own.
  2. Adoption is a very difficult process for the birthmother, and she would want you to know that she will be forever changed because of it. Being a birthmother is part of her identity for the rest of her life, and it won’t always be easy to deal with.
  3. Facing an unplanned pregnancy, she had other options to choose from. By choosing adoption, she is not looking for gratitude or respect. The decision itself is a difficult one, and through adoption the birthmother strove to protect her child and give him or her a beautiful life.
  4. The birthmother did not choose adoption because the baby was unwanted. To continue a pregnancy knowing you are not going to be the one raising the child is incredibly courageous and selfless.
  5. Despite grief she might face in the beginning, she chooses an adoptive family very carefully. She thinks about everything she wants for her baby and family values that are important to her.
  6. The adoption decision almost always affects more than just the birthmother. The baby has a biological father and biological grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who are also impacted by the birthmother’s decision.
  7. Every birthmother hopes that you will teach your child to respect her and her decision. She wants her child to know about her and her reasons for choosing adoption. 
  8. In the birthmother’s eyes, you will always be the child’s parent, and that thought brings her happiness since she knows her child is living a life full of love and opportunity.

Having a solid understanding of where your birthmother is coming from and maintaining a healthy level of respect will allow you to develop a positive relationship that will benefit both you and your baby.