Blog// LGBT Adoptive Parents

Things to Avoid Saying When Meeting Your Birthmother


An adoption naturally contains a child, adoptive parents and a birthmother. And naturally, sometimes it’s difficult to maintain healthy communication without offending any party. This is because the whole process is an emotional one. So if you are meeting your birthmother, you should know what not to say to your birthmother - here are some common examples:

Giving a baby up...

A phrase like: “giving a baby up for an adoption”, isn’t a part of a common positive adoption language, and you shouldn’t use it. If you say this to your birthmother, she may think like you’re saying that she just gave her baby away because she didn’t want him or her. In the adoption world, the term you should use is “place” since it shows much more understanding about her situation.

You are a birthmother...

Every beginning is hard, and those first meetings with your birthmother can be daunting. Try not to mention that she’s a birthmother unless she does, also don’t ask her the reasons for an adoption or everything there is about her life when you meet her for the first time. This can present you in the wrong light since she may think like you’re pushing your expectations on her. An open and healthy communication require some time. When she decides she wants to talk about her personal matters, you’ll sense that.

This adoption is expensive...

Don't talk about finances and costs of an adoption process until you're far enough in the relationship. If you start to talk how the adoption is expensive when you barely know each other, you can send a wrong message.

Are you sure about this?

Don't ask her how sure she is about her decision. Adoptive parents can be scared and in constant fear that a birthmother is going to change her mind. Questions like “is she sure about her decision” or “is her child going to be angry about an adoption” can only make her question her decisions once more, but that’s not what you want. You want to acknowledge her and her feelings, and you want to show her why you’re going to be the best parent to her child.

You gave him/her a better life...

Another thing you don’t want to say to your birthmother is definitely saying that she gave her child a better life since this just sounds cruel and like you’re saying she’s not good enough to raise her child. The only thing you need to do is just to be yourself, try to make her laugh instead of using negative phrases and she’s going to appreciate you more.

Another thing you should avoid when communicating with a birthmother is to make it all about you. She’s in a difficult position and she doesn’t want to talk only about your or only about herself. When you arrange your first meeting, try to talk about your common interests, like movies, music, books, or sports.

So these are just some of the things not to say to your birthmother. Keeping communication positive and clean is very important in adoptions, so it’s always better to be prepared if you want your relationship to remain open and healthy.

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